Love Hurts
by GoldFountain
Summary: Peach moves into a new house, and receives a strange first visitor. The visitor leaves her a gift, and Peach is left to wonder about what it means...


Love Hurts

Princess Peach was in busy doing some chores in her newly bought house until she received a knock on her door. Imagine her surprise when her visitor turned out to be none other than the wonderful Snake, stealthy spy extraordinaire! Upon meeting him at the door, kindhearted Peach burst into smiles.

"Hello, Snake! How may I help you?" Peach greeted with a flourish, curtsying in the most extravagant way possible.

Snake just stared at Peach with those intense, ruthless eyes of his. Without a word, he handed the princess an object that utterly shocked her, which was none other than a gun. Keeping his silence the bearded man departed as soon as he came, leaving Peach to gawk awkwardly at the running man in the forest. Then she looked at that foul object in her hands. She wanted with all of her heart to throw that thing away but couldn't resist examining it a bit further.

"Is this a housewarming gift? My, that was nice of him. But why would he give me a gun? Who knows, maybe it'll turn out to be a pretty nice feather duster," said Peach optimistically, shutting the door behind her as she went back in her house. "Or a lighter. Yes, a lighter sounds more probable."

As she was trying to handle the thing – it'd be food for the presses if a pampered princess like her was to be found toting and playing around with high-tech weaponry – she accidentally pressed the trigger. Without giving a chance for her heart to skip a beat, all Peach could do was blink in surprise at what fired out of the mysterious gun. Since she aimed it at the floor, Peach expected there to be a loud cracking noise, along with a hole on the floor. Little did she know that what Snake gave her was not just your regular old gun – oh no, but rather, it was a super high-tech gun of _love_.

For on the ground was a small, heart-shaped glob that pulsated and looked as if it were made out of plasma. The princess gave a dainty "Oh my!" of bewilderment and bent down on her knees to look at the glob further.

"I wonder what this thing is?" said Peach. She admired its pinkish hue and candy-like appearance. The glob even gave off a sweet odor. Peach whipped out a pair of wooden chopsticks from under her dress and poked at the glob curiously.

"Oh my," Peach exclaimed again, as the tips of her chopsticks suddenly burst into flames of passion. The princess blew the flames out and turned to see if the glob itself was on fire; alas, it wasn't. The princess concluded that the glob must have had very high conductivity or volatility. One of the two.

Taking a pair of oven mitts from a nearby kitchen counter Peach brought out a baking tray and carefully placed the heart onto it, to prevent any fires from inadvertently starting. She wondered how she would dispose of it but decided that she'll ponder on that later. For now, thinking of what to do with the gun was more important.

"I wonder why Snake gave me this," Peach thought aloud. "Hm. This is such an odd gun. Do all guns shoot pink heart-shaped blobs like this?"

Thankfully, Peach didn't have to wait for her question to be answered as another knock on her door brought her running to the entrance again. Breathless but excited, Peach opened the door to find her one and only Mario standing outside.

"Mario! Oh, it's so good to see you!" said Peach, overjoyed that her special one came over to visit her during this day of chores.

"It's-a nice to see you too, Princess," Mario told her in response, pink blushes appearing on his cheeks. The plumber had taken off his cap and was wringing it in his hands, looking rather smitten.

"Please, do come in. You won't believe the strangest thing that happened to me earlier," said Peach, ushering him in.

"Hm? What-a might that be?" Mario asked, walking in and taking a seat on a couch as Peach latched the door.

"Snake came to visit me and gave me... well, this," said Peach, taking out the strange gun she had received from the inside of an empty fishbowl to give to Mario.

Mario seemed puzzled by this. "He gave you a gun? Was that-a his idea of a housewarming gift?"

"I dunno. Maybe. I thought it might be a lighter at first, giving a gal a gun seems so utterly strange," said Peach. "Anyhow, the stranger thing is that the gun shoots off – you won't believe this – hearts! Yes, hearts! Doesn't that just seem to fit me?"

"Hm, that's very curious, very curious indeed. But it certainly fits you," Mario admitted, as he peered through the barrels of the gun.

"Do you know if all hearts shoot guns - I mean, all guns shoot hearts like this one does?" Peach asked him worriedly.

After examining the firearm for a few more seconds, Mario handed it back to her and said apologetically, "I'm not sure, but I don't think all guns would shoot hearts. I'm sorry. I've no experience with guns."

"Oh, that's quite alright, Mario. I do wonder what this thing is though," said Peach.

Suddenly, as though a lightning bolt had just struck the tip of a five-hundred feet tall lightning rod, an overwhelming urge came across Peach. She glanced at the gun first, and then at Mario, who was looking back at her with a smile. The loving princess looked back down on the gun, and without a word aimed it at the plumber's chest.

"Eh? Peach?" Mario said, his eyes widening at the trigger aimed at him.

Peach shot him, and just as before, a pink heart-shaped glob shot out of the gun, but instead of bouncing off of Mario as she had expected, the glob entered Mario's chest.

"Peach, what – ?" Mario began, as a faint pink outline seemed to glow around his body. "... What are you doing, handling a gun like that? That's dangerous! Here, let little ol' Mario take care of that for you."

Peach, who was just as shocked after shooting him as Mario was when he got shot by her, gasped upon finding Mario safe and sound, and energetic enough to pry the gun away from her. It seemed that the gun... had love-inducing effects, Peach realized.

"Oh! Mario..." Peach said, feeling slightly dizzy. "I feel faint."

"Really? Then you need some rest. I suppose I'll tuck you in bed," Mario said, grasping the princess' hand. "I came so far to see you, anyways."

"I'd be delighted to," said Peach, watching Mario as he threw the gun onto a table. Then, in a quieter voice, she said, "I need to thank Snake later."

"Hm?"

"Oh, nothing."

It was the best housewarming gift ever.

* * *

><p>AN: This sprouted from the strangest idea I had. Maybe I'll expand on it further, but for now, it's just a one-chapter crackfic. Enjoy lol

And for those that don't know, it's volatility


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